Leadership

I’m a Leader!

So I’ve recently started working voluntarily in church with my friend… We’re called junior leaders (there are a lot of us). It doesn’t really have a lot to do with people being christian, but we get it on our resumé so everybody does it 🙂 Today we had a 7 hour long session (5 hours with 13/14 year olds; who are getting confirmed next year). It was a lot of fun, I was one of the three leaders of group 6. We had pretty “ok” kids, they weren’t very enthusiastic in the beginning, but thanks to the leaders’ amazing performance, the kids joined the real fun soon enough. There was a broad variety of activities; starting out with quizzes, karaoke, fun games, and making a fantastic group cheer (it’s in Norwegian, and won’t make any sense in english) and ending it with crazy team challenges and competitions. Unfortunately we didn’t win anything, but I wasn’t the one losing (cause I’m a leader), so it didn’t really matter. (Last year my group came second total and we won the grape juice thing).

The Grape Juice Thing

The Grape juice thing is basically one person from each group (six groups) stepping/jumping (barefoot) on each their bucket of grapes. The goal is to make it into grape juice. Then they have to fill half a cup with it and soon the judges will tell them to drink the juice. There is a cherry on top though, because the moment before the kids drink the grape/foot juice, the judges tell them to switch cups with their neighbor. Then they drink; first person to drink it all up wins.

This one cracked me up! 😀

 

It’s good huh?

I’ve had such a great summer. Sweden did me good, as expected.

The reason I haven’t written in ages is that I got a life. And I didn’t have my laptop, but anyway. During the summer I got to know so many new people, which showed me that there are still some decent human beings in this world. I got to know so many different personalities and the variety that I experienced, not only in people, but in myself and how I can deal with things, was truly amazing. After school started I’ve become a more insecure person, and I have no idea why. I can’t really say I’m a 100% out of my depression, but I’ve gotten so far and I can’t believe something like insecurity and low confidence has managed to bother me. When I got depressed a lot changed and I felt like I had lost everything that was “me”, but at least my normal confidence got replaced by lack of fear. Which basically made sure I was never insecure or afraid of doing or being something wrong.
I thought I would become myself again but apparently I’m a totally different person.
I hope this doesn’t last, cause´right now, I don’t feel like the squirrel, or catwoman, or a donkey (this makes sense if you’ve read “Who is the Squirrel”).

I know I haven’t…

So, I feel really stupid for posting an “I know I haven’t” post, because it’s such a cliché move, and I also don’t really have any readers, so the “sorry I haven’t posted in a while” doesn’t make any sense. But then again, I don’t have any other title for what I’m about to write, so I guess I couldn’t help myself.

The last few weeks have been exhausting. I don’t know how to explain it, but I suddenly just couldn’t do it anymore. After the trip I was on (which btw, was awesome), I told myself that I was sick. I went to school on Monday morning, and then I suddenly didn’t anymore. On Tuesday, I stayed home, believing it was one of those “I’m exhausted, but I’ll be back tomorrow” kind of days, but then suddenly I found myself on the same couch the very next day. I didn’t understand what the hell was going on, but I just couldn’t get myself to do anything. All I did was watch tv and read my book. On Thursday (today) I was supposed to have my english exams, and on Wednesday evening I was sure about going, but then suddenly the next morning I couldn’t find any motivation at all. I don’t know what’s been going on since India, but I can’t help but feel that I’ve been slowly drained of all my motivation and happiness. And the worst part about it all is that I don’t have a reason for being at home, I wasn’t sick, I just couldn’t get out of the house. I also can’t remember anything anymore, things just happen, and then when I think back, it’s not even a blur, it’s just blank. Nothing comes to mind, I mean I can remember what I had for dinner last night, but let it go a week, and I can’t even remember one thing from what happened that day. Nothing. It might’ve been the most exciting day that week, however, it’s as if it had no meaning to me.

Two or three months ago, I diagnosed my self with depression. Back then I said that ever since India I had been depressed. I had been depressed, and I’m sure I’m not depressed anymore, but then what is wrong with me?

Recover.

When I close my eyes and think about it

imagining my self leaving

and us saying goodbye again.

Imagining how I will look into your eyes as I board the plane.

 

When I close my eyes and think about it

that’s when I wonder

if I will ever recover again.

Tired of being tired of being tired of being tired….

When you’re best friend is feeling the exact same way as you, and we both blame most of it on not seeing each other. ❤

That’s not beautiful.

Those magical eyes, and those highlighted lines,

of the messy hair in that critical atmosphere

of a beautiful girl

where you can only see and notice her

that’s where she fills it with joy, through her lovely air

I just wrote a less revised version of this- short-poem, I guess-  to comment Naomi’s picture on Facebook and found myself regretting it just that instant. She is beautiful, and apparently she has changed, but I have to understand that I’m never going to meet this “new Naomi”. I will never know her as a trustworthy human being, who doesn’t spill your most important secret to an absolutely NOT trustworthy person. She will always be that disloyal girl who let me down when I was on the thinnest ice possible, and made it impossible for me to walk on water and overcome my own challenge of handling my problems. She did however, teach me a few lessons about trust and how much I actually care about this convoluted and chaotic world and its inhabitants. She let me explore the limits of my tolerance for total crap and shitty people; which then led me to realizing how insignificant everything really is. So there is no doubt that Naomi has been a great and also partially positive influence on me throughout the year I have known her, as well as she helped me reach the closest I have ever come to “rock bottom”, so far in my life.

I have in later moments discovered that this poem is, as I already knew; not a description of Naomi, but the product of her embellishments; created in my mind, to make her a better person.

I feel so weird.

So I guess this is my first post while I am under the influence of alcohol. I’ve got to say, it doesn’t feel that great right now. I’m all alone and I was dancing around, just a few minutes ago (or so I believe), as content as can be. Yet, right now I feel awfully empty and even more lonely than when the only person keeping me company (my father) left the house, surprisingly enough. I had a scene earlier with a few tears shed and some feelings spread out to a number of my closest friends. Though, my recovery is soon to come. I have to be honest, I did have a smoke… I’ve felt this urge to breathe all the smoke around anyone’s cigarettes. Today I finally got the one smoke I really needed. And I’m scared that I’ll feel this urge again, but I’m ready to face it now. I’ve had all these fantasies, I guess it’s normal for teenagers. Damn, all these confused thoughts, it kind of makes me laugh… Now, remember this. I’m tipsy, and I still managed to write all of this… Let’s just hope I’m not imagining this being well-spelled.

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Can you be Depressed and Not know it?

I’ve been thinking back a lot, having long memory flashes and I’ve started to wonder if what I felt last year was depression. I didn’t know it then and I know many people say; if you’re depressed, you know it! But I think I didn’t know because I couldn’t remember what being happy was. And I’m not as beaming now as I was in the beginning of 7th grade, but I feel like it is slowly pointing upwards. One problem that is pushing me down is that I’m getting really insecure. I used to be so content with what I have and how I look, but since I came back, everyone’s been telling me that I need to wear make up and I need to do this to get a better image… In India, I didn’t need to wear make up, I had style and I felt good about my self. I need to gain some confidence in my self again. I think it will help me build up to being a joyous person again.

The thing with last year:

Last year,  just before and long after Christmas, I didn’t know what to feel. I was in shock. It felt like I was invisible, like I was lost in a world where I could see everyone, but there was a one-way window between me and them. The air was so thick and throughout the months, all I could think of was getting home. No matter who it was or what it was about, I could barely get my self to care. It was as if I could hardly hear them, as if I had two cups placed on my ears and all I heard were echoes and mumbling. Yet, I didn’t cry or push people out of my life, I acted like nothing had happened and I’m not sure if I was right not to do that. I had been up on this mountain for so long, and it still only took me two hours to fall all the way down to the smashing ground.

I’m not sure how I feel now.

Try again in a few weeks

So I woke up this morning, second day home due to my cold, and found giant white snowflakes flying around outside my window. I was close to asking my mom if I was the sleeping beauty or something and two days were actually two weeks, I mean it´s October! There should be sun shining through the orange and red leaves on the trees, not some white puffy stuff forcing them to fall off the branches! Of course, the snow melted the instant it met the ground, but when I later came back from a meeting (very important, could´t miss even if I was dead) the snow managed to change the temperature down to 0ºC, and has now taken over. I love winter, so I have nothing against it, but others might tell the cold to try again in a few weeks.